The Paw-Print Protocol: A Legally Binding Reckoning for the Modern Dog
It’s time for a reckoning. Dogs must take responsibility for their own actions and suffer the consequences of their own poor judgment. On behalf of dog owners the world over, we at GollyGear.com have taken it upon ourselves to draw up a contract, detailing the rights and responsibilities of the signatories of this document. The terms of this contract are enforceable in your own home, with both the rewards and punishments to be agreed upon by the parties involved. We will provide sentencing guidelines for each section, with recommendations for both mild and egregious violations. Person and dog must consider each of the five sections before signing. Paw prints will be considered valid signatures for the purposes of this contract. This contract will take effect immediately after signing and remains in force for the life of the parties.
Section 1: Displays of affection
The Dog will allow the Person at least two hugs and five kisses each day. In return, Dog agrees to lick Person’s cheek when presented for a kiss and will not shove his/her tongue into the Person’s mouth, regardless of what Person has eaten that Dog would like to sample. Furthermore, Dog will stop licking when instructed without attempting to remove all of Person’s makeup/lotion/sunscreen. Henceforward, gaseous emissions from either end of the dog will not be considered forms of affection and will not be tolerated when Person’s face is targeted.
The Person agrees to scratch/rub/or pet (Dog’s preference) whatever body part Dog shoves into person’s hand at least three times each day. Said scratching/rubbing/petting will last until Dog wanders away or three minutes, whichever is shorter. Person also agrees to acknowledge Dog’s “Good Boy” or “Good Girl” status several times a day, accompanied by a tidbit high on Dog’s treat hierarchy.
Failure to comply with the terms of this section will result in:
Dog:
Minor Violation: Loss of lap privileges for the duration of non-compliance.
Major Violation: Person is allowed to dump dog off lap when legs begin to cramp for a period not less than two (2) days.
Person:
Minor Violation: Dog will be allowed to emit gas at person one time.
Major Violation: Dog may appropriate the tastiest bit of the person’s next meal, decided by Dog.
Section 2: Behavior Outside the Home
The Dog will cease and desist trying to yank Person’s elbow or shoulder out of its socket, even if an instigator in the form of a Rabbit or Squirrel is detected. The only exception to this clause will be if said Rabbit or Squirrel is immediately in the vicinity of Dog. Then all bets are off. Furthermore, Dog agrees to pay a lick of attention when Dog’s name is called, provided Person is equipped with Dog’s favorite treats.
Person agrees to pay attention to Dog for at least half the duration of any walk, up to and including ignoring Person’s ringing phone. Person shall be allowed to check the screen for caller’s identity and will be allowed to answer if call is deemed “Urgent.” Both parties must concur on the “urgency” of the call.
Failure to comply with the terms of this section will result in:
Dog:
Minor Violation resulting in pain/bruising: No treats for the remainder of the walk.
Major Violation resulting in more severe damage: Outside visits restricted to yard-only for at least one week, or until Person heals fully.
Person:
Minor Violation: Phone to be left home for the day.
Major Violation: Phone to be turned off during walks.
Section 3: Behavior Inside the Home
Dog will not stand in doorways and block all traffic within the home. Further, Dog will follow Person, rather than leading the way whenever motion is detected.
Dog will not steal all of the bed coverings, up to and including all of the pillows, blankets, and sheets. Dog will allow Person enough room on the bed to lie comfortably, position to be mutually agreed by both parties.
Person agrees to allow Dog on all furniture and will be allowed to place machine-washable covers on all such furniture. Person agrees to tell Dog where she’s going at all times. If the destination is the bathroom, for whatever purpose, Dog will be allowed to accompany Person. Person will provide a suitable floor covering for Dog for the duration of the visit. Person agrees that tile is an unsuitable for maximum dog comfort.
Failure to comply with the terms of this section will result in:
Dog:
Minor Violation: Loss of heated blanket for the night.
Major Violation: Relegation to foot of bed and no pillow privileges for one week.
Person:
Minor Violation: Dog will whine when left alone.
Major Violation: Dog gets full bed linen set of choice, determined by Dog alone.
Section 4: Culinary Negotiations and Scavenging Rights
The Dog agrees to maintain a respectful distance of no less than three (3) feet from the Person’s plate during human meal consumption. Dog shall cease all “soul-piercing” stares, audible sighs, and the placement of a heavy chin on Person’s knee. Furthermore, Dog acknowledges that the floor is not a formal dining area; therefore, Dog shall not "hover-vacuum" directly under the Person’s chair in anticipation of gravity-related incidents.
The Person agrees to the "Tithe of the Crust," wherein a small, safe portion of human food shall be set aside and delivered to Dog only after Person has finished eating. Person also agrees that "dropping an entire piece of bacon" shall be legally classified as an Act of God, and no attempt shall be made to reclaim said bacon once it has breached the floor’s airspace.
Failure to comply with the terms of this section will result in:
Dog:
Minor Violation: Mandatory crate-time or "The Room of No Snacks" during dinner.
Major Violation: One week of "Health Biscuits" (the dry, flavorless ones) with zero table scrap eligibility.
Person:
Minor Violation: Dog is permitted to perform a "Puddle of Drool" on Person’s footwear.
Major Violation: Dog may stage a peaceful protest by knocking over the kitchen trash can to conduct an independent audit of its contents.
Section 5: Vehicular Transit and External Security
The Dog agrees to remain in the designated seat and shall not attempt to assist in the operation of the vehicle by sitting in the Person’s lap. While the use of the "Window Air-Intake System" (sticking head out the window) is permitted, Dog agrees to keep tongue-flap noise to a minimum and shall not bark at pedestrians who are clearly minding their own business.
The Person agrees to provide a "Scenic Route" whenever possible and acknowledges that a trip to the Vet must, by law, be followed by a trip to a drive-thru window or a park. Person also agrees that the climate control shall be set to "Optimal Canine Arctic" regardless of Person’s own shivering.
Failure to comply with the terms of this section will result in:
Dog:
Minor Violation: Window shall be rolled up to "Nose-Print Height" only.
Major Violation: Use of the "Safety Harness of Shame" for three consecutive trips.
Person:
Minor Violation: Dog shall refuse to exit the car upon arrival, requiring Person to use "The Heavy Lift" maneuver.
Major Violation: Dog will leave a strategic "Expressive Shedding" layer on the upholstery of the passenger seat before a non-dog-owner enters the vehicle.
Having agreed to all provisions of this contract, Dog and Person do hereby set their seals:
Disclaimer: This contract is void if the dog looks at the person with 'the eyes' or if the person opens a package of cheese.
What clause would you add to your dog's contract?